This is the third post in our series for National Adoption Month. We have looked at the myths of open adoption and how to create compassion for birth mothers. Now we want to take a look at what happens when a mother reaches out to Buckner International about placing their child for adoption. Hallie Hiles, LifeDesign Maternity Counselor and Emma Porter, LifeDesign Maternity Counselor, works with mothers who need support during pregnancy and after. Emma also works with mothers considering adoption.  

What does it look like for a birth mom to receive counseling at Buckner?    

It can vary from woman to woman, but typically a woman finds Buckner International through another organization, like a church or pregnancy resource center or online search. The first thing Emma does is figure out their immediate needs. Are they homeless, did they leave a tough relationship, do they need food or money for rent? No one is really ready to talk about their feelings if they're hungry or haven't slept, which is why it’s important to focus on those basic needs first. After identifying those needs it can be easier to talk about family preservation.  

Buckner desires family preservation and so part of counseling is to learn why the mom is considering adoption.  

What is family preservation? 

For Buckner, family preservation means keeping families together if it's safe for the child and healthy for the family. We don't want someone to not parent their child because they don't have a car, or they don't have a support system, or they can't pay this month's rent.  

If the birth mom still wants to pursue adoption, then Emma starts preparing for the process through counseling and as it gets closer to the birth and the mom feels like she is ready, they begin matching with a family in the domestic infant adoption program. 

Buckner wants the birth mom to match with a family that feels right for her. It’s a mutual selection process. Many women come in thinking they won’t have a say in the family, but we want them to know they do have power where their child will go if they decide to place.  

Once it’s time for birth, Emma starts to focus on their support system. Who will be there in the hospital with the birth mom and is there anyone to help in postpartum recovery? Once the birth mom gets to the hospital, the paperwork does not start until 48 or 72 hours later, depending on how long the mom is required to stay. Until the legal documents are signed, the birth mom can change her mind.   

How does Buckner work with birth mothers to cope with grief and loss?  

Emma makes sure to prepare the moms ahead of time and help them understand that the way they feel right now may not be the same after placement. This is why they work through those feelings so they can feel solid about the decision they made, even in their grief. Birth moms will know their child is in a place that they handpicked for them, and they are safe. It’s important for them to remember that they can feel certain about a decision while also feeling sad about it.  

A big part of helping with their grief is open adoption. A lot of the grief stems from wondering if their child will despise them and wonder why they gave them up and assume they don’t love them. But with an open adoption the child will hopefully worry less about those things. 

It can be easy for people to assume a woman choosing to place their child for adoption was forced by CPS or that the birth mom just didn’t want to parent their child, when in fact, a lot of the birth moms Emma has worked with actually desire what is best for their child, love the child, but had the wisdom to know they could not provide for them. 

Regardless of the reason, Buckner provides services like maternity counseling to walk with birth mothers through this journey and to navigate the open adoption relationship, if adoption is their choice.   

Watch the full interview here.  

Learn more about adoption or maternity counseling services.