November is National Adoption Month and we want to highlight one area of the adoption triad that does not get a lot of attention — birth parents. Several Buckner employees have professional and personal experience with adoption, which makes them excellent thought leaders on this topic. Amy Curtis, Senior Director of Counseling at Buckner International, alongside Jennifer McCallum, Director of Counseling Services for Foster Care and Adoption at Buckner, and Joy Kramer, Director of Domestic Adoptions at Buckner, sit down to discuss the needs, challenges, and myths of birth parents and open adoptions.  

Why is there little advocacy for birth parents?  

There are a lot of misconceptions about adoption and stigmas as to why somebody would make the choice to place their child for adoption. But it’s important to holistically care for everyone when we are talking about adoption. There are a lot of resources and support groups for adoptive parents and children, but very little for birth parents, often because people, organizations, and churches do not understand or know how to provide emotional support for birth parents. People often forget that birth parents go through a grieving process, instead; many assume birth parents are happy or even excited to place their child. So, the first step in providing resources for birth parents is to understand their emotional journey and bust the myths. 

What are some of the misconceptions about birth parents? 

One of the misconceptions about birth parents and open adoption is that they are in a coparent role with the adoptive family. Many adoptive parents have a fear that the birth mom will change their mind and want to have a say in raising the children. 

Instead, a healthier view is to see the birth mom as an extended part of the family. Open adoption is a way for birth moms to have contact and know that they made the best decision for the child. It's a beautiful thing for the child to have an ongoing relationship with the birth parents, as it helps them as they process their adoption throughout their lives.  

Another misconception is once the birth parent has made a decision to place a child that they're emotionally okay and can go on with their life as if nothing happened, but that’s simply not the case. Birth moms, especially, will struggle with grief for the rest of their lives. In many ways birth moms feel shamed by society for making that decision. But if we truly want to support birth moms in their journey then we should flip the script and applaud them for being brave and making the decision to place for adoption, especially when there are other options available.  

What is the benefit of open adoption?  

Statistically, children in an open adoption have a stronger sense of identity, which can lead to greater self-confidence and awareness. Open adoption is a gift, and if the opportunity is there, it is better for the long-term health of all parts of the triad. It should be an exciting part of adoption knowing that it will benefit the child in the long run.  

However, it’s important to remember that it will not be an easy relationship. When people are grieving, they can fall back into maladaptive behavior. We often don’t know how someone will handle grief until it comes, which is why creating compassion for birth mothers is essential. 

Watch the full interview here.  

Learn more about adoption or maternity counseling services.