One million women in the United States experience a miscarriage every year. Globally, this number increases to 23 million women every year.

Given the commonness of miscarriages, it can be easy for people to become desensitized to the topic of pregnancy loss. Those who have not personally experienced a pregnancy loss may want to do something to help empathize with or ease the pain of the woman who has.

It’s important for women and those supporting them to know that suffering in silence can be detrimental to a woman’s mental health and general physical recovery. While no two women have the same experience, there is hope and healing in connecting with others who have also grieved the loss of a pregnancy. Some churches and faith-based nonprofit organizations offer special ministries exclusively for women grieving due to miscarriage or other pregnancy loss.

Women are notorious for trying to do things on their own without asking for help. Surely women can do hard things. But that doesn’t mean it is wise for our physical, mental, or spiritual health to attempt to grieve in isolation. Asking for help takes a lot of courage, and often, seeking and finding the right help can be a challenge.

There are no shortage of gimmicks or paid advertisements targeting women with quick fixes for just about everything. From face patches promising to remove premature wrinkles, to convenient supplements that substitute whole food nutrients. In a society that popularizes efficiency and fast results, it is easy to incorrectly apply this approach to grief. Although painful and uncomfortable, sitting with and processing emotions can be healing.

Because women are vital to our world in many ways, it can seem that our society wants to rush women through traumatic experiences as if those critical moments weren’t impactful and debilitating. Women are often expected to take care of others even when she herself is not well. The underlying message a grieving woman can take away is that she simply does not have time to grieve or process – the world she is responsible for will continue moving, and she must trudge on.

When women connect with others who have experienced similar loss, they are reassured that it is OK to not be OK, and that the sadness they feel is welcome. Jesus also felt sadness when he saw people grieving for Lazarus. “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). Surely, if Jesus allowed the presence of his humanity to be viewed publicly by others, it is his example that we should also follow to empathize when someone else is hurting, such as through a pregnancy loss. Jesus did not try to rush past someone’s season of trauma because it was uncomfortable, or because the hectic pace of life rolls on regardless of trials. No, he paused and wept with others.   

Maybe you’re reading this because you have experienced a miscarriage. If you are, you did nothing wrong. Miscarriages happen. Maybe you’re still in a raw state of acceptance. Maybe your miscarriage happened years ago but you still have muscle memory of the loss. Remember, Jesus wept. Sadness is a human emotion. It is OK to be human and feel emotions.

If you’re reading this because you know someone who had a miscarriage, but you don’t know how to best support them, follow the lead of Jesus. Pause and empathize and learn how to be able to sit in some discomfort and silence. There is truly nothing better you can do for a grieving woman than to just offer your presence free from fix-it solutions. Maybe you can give her a night off from cooking for her family, mow her yard, or pick up groceries for her so she can rest and recover. Remind her that although she is valuable and loved, her wellbeing is as important as those she cares and provides for. Her pain, if not addressed and tended to,will harm her in the long run, and she needs to feel safe to process. Jesus cared enough to be vulnerable with those who hurt.

Let’s challenge ourselves to meet people where they are in their time of pain as we would want someone to do for us.

Written by Christie Gibson, senior director of marketing, Buckner International