In our podcast interview series for National Adoption Month, we’re taking time to highlight birth parents. Our first blog post covered misconceptions of open adoption and birth mothers. We left off with an understanding that we must feel empathy and compassion for birth mothers to truly have a relationship with them. 

Sarah Matthews is a licensed professional counselor who has worked with more than 1,000 birth moms as well as adoptive families. Sarah uses the acronym LISTEN to teach counselors how to work with birth mothers, but this acronym is also a powerful tool for everyone. 

L stands for “listen” to the birth mom’s story. The idea is not to just listen to her most recent chapter, but her whole story, who she is, and how she grew up. Understanding that there was trauma before she entered your life. So, whatever she's willing to share, we want to hear it, as it will give us more puzzle pieces to work with and a greater picture of her life, which will help spur more compassion for her.  

I stands for “identify” and how the birth mom has coped with loss or stressors in the past. We want to identify barriers to her being able to cope and grieve. Has she had or does she have a good support system? Grief is often lonely and isolating, so it's so important that she has a good support system. Oftentimes people don't and it can cause someone to feel stuck in their grief or turn to mal-adaptive behaviors. This helps understand “the why” behind some of the behaviors that will come out during stress and grief. 

S stands for “share or strengthen” healthy coping skills so she can learn to grieve well. We want the birth mom to have permission to feel her pain and sit with it, but we don’t want her to get stuck in it either. This is where a professional counselor can help teach brain distraction techniques such as eating sour candy. It gives the brain and body a chance to take a break. Learning healthy techniques for when the grief hits will help in overcoming unhealthy patterns due to loss. 

T stands for “teach.” We want birth moms to learn how to sit with the discomfort and feel those intense feelings. Learning how to sit with discomfort will help her be able to identify how she is feeling, unpack it and be able to move through it. Grief can cause a spectrum of emotions like anger, bitterness, jealousy, disappointment, regret, guilt, or shame. The more she can identify what she is feeling as a part of her grief the lighter it's going to get. 

E stands for “empower” with resources. Grief is lifelong and if we can provide birth mothers with resources, it will help in the recovery process. Examples of resources could be counseling. For example, Buckner offers free maternity counseling. Another resource could be a support group, either one with other birth moms or a group focused on grief. 

N stands for “navigate” this journey with her as much as she'll allow and as long as possible. We want to continually meet birth moms where she is at over and over again. Because grief can be very lonely and isolating, we want to make sure she knows that we care for her, and she is not alone. 

Sarah also gives us insight into how understanding the birth mother’s grief journey can help us cultivate compassion and deepen the relationship during an open adoption. 

Sarah explains that if we can understand the journey of the birth mom before she became pregnant, it will allow us to have compassion for her. Sarah breaks down the pregnancy journey and explains how we can help in each stage.  

For many women, prepregnancy involved trauma. Pregnancy, whether planned or not, is not the source of “hard “in her life. The hard was already there. If we can see her before she was carrying a child, it reminds us that she is an image-bearer of God, worthy of love and respect. She is not just a means to an end. Sarah mentions that this can help adoptive families show up for the birth mom, especially when the relationship may be hard.  

In the postpartum stage, when the child has been placed with an adoptive family, the birth mom is at risk for developing postpartum depression or anxiety. So, for adoptive parents it’s important to understand that her postpartum journey will be different. She has relinquished her rights and must begin healing her body without a baby, adding a complex level to her grief. 

And then postadoption, this is where grief and gratitude coexist. The grief will be lifelong, but there will be moments of joy and appreciation. It doesn’t necessarily get easier for her, but she learns to carry it better.  

Watch the full interview here.  

Learn more about adoption or maternity counseling services.